What a day. Another one of those days when the question in my head is “Why continue?” I am going to take a stab at breaking through what is happening. The question stems from:
- When everything presented, in a compacted way, appears stacked against me
- When I make an effort to understand and even my few words get twisted by those who have the power, can assume and effectively misinterpret
- When my attempts to make right, when I have fallen short under some law or rules and things keep getting worse
- When what is in front of me continues to be simply grounded and every attempt to help, advance or resolve my mistakes and make things better, make things more direr
- When what has been is fine and will last a lifetime, with me in it or not
How do you think I feel? Why do you think that? Have you ever felt like this?
During most of my life, hopelessness kept me alive. You might ask “how’s that?”
Answer: I was too afraid of what can kill me. I never believed in taking a life, even my own, without convincing information or some sort of persuasion. Though I have listened to the arguments and I learned about some laws, I still am not convinced any of them fit my circumstances. And even if they did, I have grave apprehension. I was created not to self-destruct. I can be hopeless and be open to eternity. I can be hopeless and be open for the next moment or day or year or anything in the future. The options of a future is always an unknown place that could be waiting for me.
During many parts of my life, frustration helped me find balance. You might ask “how’s that?”
Answer: I see my frustration as a spectrum of decision-making options. Emotions influence what we do. My emotional capacity is huge. It was cultivated and expanded by attempting to see good, despite what anyone felt or my circumstances. Anger fuels a lot of thoughts and behaviors. When I was a child, my mother was reactionary and controlling. She was the queen bee. Her talents overweighed her intelligence, so she used them to show her self-importance. Her past overshadowed her responses, so she over-reacted when she was mad, hurt or frustrated. Her secrets covered her values. Her artistry, without her presence was stunning. She placed a cost on her talents as a way to preserve her self-worth. Her designs and creations projected her make-believe pipedreams. Together, my mom and her talents, projected her values – if anyone took the time to listen and understand. Mom, as well as Dad, lived up to these illusions. This might be pinpointed as the cause of Dad’s death. As Mom aged, Mom gave up. She also succumbed to her greed, pride and immobility. Her talents faded. Friends and friendships died. Then she died too.
So, here I am… having moved into my last stage of human development. I have a mission and it has a mission statement. I am more than happy to walk with and fight alongside, to lift up, hold, guide and participate so others may grow both personally and spiritually. I am more than happy to wait patiently for whoever is next. I am more than happy to wait for a while to see if anyone shows up or I am willing to quit waiting.
Honestly, I do not see my world as my folks did. I believe in God and Christ Jesus is my savior. I want to believe that my life has meaning with responsibilities, which is uniquely and creatively different. I want to believe that my writing this has a purpose. I want to believe that I can plant seeds and never see the end results. I see myself as a servant… a counselor. Counselors can be leaders even when they are unassuming. Some leaders lead from behind. I was raised as a follower which could easily be my challenge. What’s yours?
“Well you look like yourself
But you’re somebody else
Only it ain’t on the surface
Well you talk like yourself
No, I hear someone else though
Now you’re making me nervous
I saw the part of you that only when you’re older
You will see too, you will see too”
Songwriters: Cole Randall/Shpresa Lleshaj Randall
Lyrics from “You’re Somebody Else”